That’s right, I’m back to my usual cynical, bitchy self. Let’s get to it, shall we?
- When writers use the word “hack” in any form. Example: “Furniture hack out of a bench and two chairs!”. Just don’t. Want to see these abominations? Go Google it or click here.
- When writers say something is “everything”. For example, “This little piglet wearing boots is everything.” For the life of me, I cannot think of one thing cuter than a piglet wearing boots, but the everything phrase needs to be retired. Yesterday.
- Dog poop.
- Cardio. I’m sure it’s great for all y’all, but can’t my doctor accept my regular form of exercise of running upstairs to get my iPad to watch some Netflix and quit whining at me?
- Those new pants for dogs infuriate me. I saw a dog at the park wearing bright yellow pants like those on the left and I was so close to calling the Canine Fashion Police, but I couldn’t find the number listed anywhere.
In the interest of fairness, I’m going to list a few things I’m grooving on these days, but this list is crazy long, so I’m just going to stick to a few Really Good Things, ‘mkay?
- Buds on my bushes and trees. That sounds boring as shit, but you guys, we’ve had a painfully long winter.
- We got some baby chicks. I pretend to hate them, but they’re almost as cute as a piglet wearing boots. They aren’t everything, though. NOTHING IS.
- Our asshole cat is being less of a dick. Maybe he’s stealing my pills.
- My son had a pledge sleep on the fraternity couch in his room because the guy uh, couldn’t make it back to his dorm room for some reason. The pledge inexplicably peed on the couch. That’s not what’s making me laugh, though. Mitch is going to USC for Father/Son Fraternity weekend and guess what couch he’s sleeping on? That’s some hardcore shit right there. In fact, it’s everything.